The Good Article: Introduction

Warning! English articles can lead to excessive Rage Face.

Those of you with reasonably good memories recall that February 2011 was the occasion of our first meeting. That’s right, the Bad Article will be exactly one year old on February the 23^rd. I’ll do a fun thing on that day, probably with some sort of picture of a cake. But before we reach that particular milestone, I think it’s high time we actually addressed the number one, all-time most popular complaint about correct and natural English – articles!

If there’s one thing guaranteed to drive all English translators completely bat-shit insane, it’s the articles. Article usage is the vey last thing anyone, regardless of age, education or experience, gets right. It’s a source of frustration not only for translators and language learners, but also for natives called upon to explain the rules or justify a particular article (or lack of it). At times it seems like an impossible, illogical subject. Often, the concrete rules of usage for one situation will suddenly crumble to meaningless dust, and it’s this mutability which gives articles their frustrating mystique and sense of being something ‘instinctive’ that ‘only natives’ can do correctly. Yes, there are rules, and yes, they are sometimes flexible, but I do believe that with time and practice, they can be mastered. I also believe that when the UFOs land and our new alien overlords take charge, proofreaders and editors will be spared the whip. So.

Translators have different approaches to handling articles in English. Two of the most popular strategies include spamming a text with several times more articles than necessary, or stripping out all but the most eye-poppingly obvious, leaving semaphoric sentences that have more in common with telegrams than translations.

Too much of a good thing is bad for you, right?

Too much of a bad thing is good for you though, right? Right?

Now, I can’t promise that you’ll be any more knowledgeable or better equipped to correctly deploy your articles after reading this series (yes, it’s going to be a whole series on the bloody things), but if you feel even a tiny bit more confident about your articles by the end, then my job will have been jobbed.

 

Here’s the plan. Today, I am introducing you to the idea, preparing you for what lies ahead. This is a chance to tidy your houses, put your affairs in order and warn your loved ones. The road ahead is long and dark, and there’s no chance for a second breakfast once we get started. Our only hope lies in my ability to organise all my notes into something coherent and easily understandable by padawan and Jedi alike. (...and silence filled the room...). In a few days' time, we will meet again and begin the journey proper.

And so, my friends – my dear, beloved translators and questers in the strange and contrary realms of English – it is time to gird our loins, sharpen our axes, check the fuel and cigarettes, take a last swig from the gin bottle, and venture into the raw and bleeding heart of the bonkers world of English grammar, to assault the final fortress of gloomy defiance, to destroy the last barrier between us and excellence! Release the bats!